just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
