she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
