Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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