His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
