I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
