Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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