My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
