My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
