I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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