Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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