highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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