Im at strip club and am horny
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
