Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
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his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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