I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
i now understand why vodka
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
