Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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