I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
ugly people sure do ruin things
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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