Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you had me at cake vodka
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
