Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize