Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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