he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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