At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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