My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
