i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
worst night to have a conscience
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
