at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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