It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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