I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
