This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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