You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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