I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
