I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The uberlube is also flammable
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
