i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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