Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
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If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
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Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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