that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
