idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
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dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
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I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize