I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
