I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
