he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
