Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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