I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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