oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
