I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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