why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
