i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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