cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
