We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
and she was petting her beer can
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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