before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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