Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
