I met the friendliest cop last night
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
