I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
