my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
