I met the friendliest cop last night
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
