i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
