i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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