Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
