You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
