I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
