The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
A bitchslap is in order.
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