Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
