You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
