i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
