I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
